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Why Getting Rid of Old Books and Clothes Is So Tough On a Couple;
Revealing the Power Struggle Underneath
Clutter is a powerful enemy in busy families' struggle to stay happy and sane. Its psychological aspects can contribute to stress and undermine relationships. Few couples realize the importance of dealing with it until it is way out of control, relationship experts say.
Yet when a couple decides to conquer clutter, the process itself often becomes a struggle about power or control. "If you're arguing about a dirty towel on the floor, at a deeper level you may be arguing about who's in charge," says Edward Hallowell, a psychiatrist with a New York practice.
To one person, a certain amount of disarray may be comforting and acceptable. To another, a disorganized household signals that home and family life aren't a top priority.
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“You’re organizing my kitchen drawers.”
“Yes. You’re free to disorganize them at your whim and will. But doing this keeps me sane. And you
made the clever dividers.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Yes. You’re free to disorganize them at your whim and will. But doing this keeps me sane. And you
made the clever dividers.”
“Uh-huh.”
He pulled open a drawer at random. “Jesus, Fiona, you lined them.”
“I’m so ashamed.”
“Let me point out, neither of us actually cooks, so what’s the point of having lined, divided, organized
kitchen drawers?”
“To be able to find things, whether or not you use them. And what’s the point of having all these things
in the first place if you don’t cook?”
“I wouldn’t have all this junk if my mother didn’t . . . never mind that either.”
“I can jumble everything up again if it makes you feel better.”
“I’m thinking about it.”
And she grinned at him, quick and fun. “I’m going to do the cabinets, too. You can just consider it my
little hobby.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m going to put things back where you think they belong.”
“See, look how well we understand each other.”
“You’re sneaky, and don’t think I don’t know it. I grew up with sneaky.”
“I got that impression.”
“That’s the problem. You’re not like her, but you are.”
“How about if I tell you I also understand you’re not really stewing about me organizing the kitchen
drawers, but trying to gauge whether this is a prelude to me trying to organize your life.”
“I’m so ashamed.”
“Let me point out, neither of us actually cooks, so what’s the point of having lined, divided, organized
kitchen drawers?”
“To be able to find things, whether or not you use them. And what’s the point of having all these things
in the first place if you don’t cook?”
“I wouldn’t have all this junk if my mother didn’t . . . never mind that either.”
“I can jumble everything up again if it makes you feel better.”
“I’m thinking about it.”
And she grinned at him, quick and fun. “I’m going to do the cabinets, too. You can just consider it my
little hobby.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m going to put things back where you think they belong.”
“See, look how well we understand each other.”
“You’re sneaky, and don’t think I don’t know it. I grew up with sneaky.”
“I got that impression.”
“That’s the problem. You’re not like her, but you are.”
“How about if I tell you I also understand you’re not really stewing about me organizing the kitchen
drawers, but trying to gauge whether this is a prelude to me trying to organize your life.”
The Search